My side of the story

Birth:
    I hoped I would go into labor on my own but luckily the induction date came quickly.  I was feeling HUGE and uncomfortable.  The night before we left, Lee gave me a priesthood blessing which is like a prayer.  The prayer said that "all of the doctors would know what to do".  We didn't think anything of it at the time but would soon find out how important those words were.  Lee and I left early on the morning of December 5th at 4:45 am to be there by 5.  Jacqueline came just in time to stay with the kids.  I had everything ready.  The house was clean and I typed up a schedule for those who would be watching the kids.  In fact, I did it weeks ahead of time just in case I did go into labor. 
    When we arrived, I was surprised and glad to see my nurse would be Anna Dobson.  She used to be in our ward, so I knew her.  We chatted a bit.  She gave me cervidil to start my labor.  Lee got comfortable on the pull out couch.  They gave me an Abien to help me sleep.  We watched Batman.  After I woke up the contractions started.  I got my epidural.  Dr. Grondahl came in to check on me.  I wasn't progressing so he put in a balloon with medicine to help my cervix.  I really hoped that Lee would be able to pick the kids up at the bus at 4 and then bring them to the hospital to see the baby but that wasn't going to happen.
      At about 3:30 I started to push. A strange sack of clear water came out first and the nurses said they hadn't seen something like that before.  I was surprised when Dr. Krober said it was time to push because I could see in the mirror that the baby was still really high.  I gave Lee a questioning look and hesitated for second until Dr. K had a worried look on her face.  She said, "Come on Katherine you have to push this baby out!"  The baby's heart rate was dropping. Right then I pushed like you wouldn't believe, the hardest I have ever pushed with all four of my deliveries combined.  I had to push two times like that.  JD came out with a huge gush of fluids.  Dr. K and her small stature was splashed pretty good.  He was nice and pink and big but he wasn't crying and he wouldn't for 5 more minutes.  I was worried about him but right after he came out, I started to feel terrible!  I felt really sick.  It's hard to explain. I started to see stars and tried to call to Lee who was over with the baby but I couldn't say anything.  Everything after this point is a little blurry.  I delivered the placenta but I kept bleeding.  Dr. K said she needed more B+ blood.  I briefly woke up in the operating room to see Dr. Richardson and that was it.

ICU:
     I woke up to the sound of Lee's voice saying, "don't bite it, don't bite it".  Apparently, I was fighting to get the tube out of my mouth.  I heard gurgling and a beeping sound.  I was extubated.  The room was foggy.  I saw Lee.  He was cleaning out my mouth with a minty swab.  I was so thirsty.  My throat hurt.  I think I sat up.  That night I kept saying sorry over and over again to the nurses because I couldn't control my bowel movements.  It was disgusting.
    The next day I felt so much better.  Lee came and I think my dad was with him.  I asked if I could go home tomorrow.  Lee probably thought I was crazy.  I walked down the hall with Becky the PT. Lee took my picture. My legs were like jello and were really weak but I felt strong, strong inside.  I felt determined.  I had to look down at the ground while I walked.  I couldn't bare to look at the other patients in their beds.  They were sick, really sick and I felt bad for them.  I learned quick that once you woke up while in ICU, you're transferred right away.  I felt like I was the only patient who was awake. 
    It was hard to breathe.  I had to have oxygen in my nose.  Just getting up to go to the bathroom, which I could now do on my own, made my heart rate go up to the 140's. Lee told me my heart rate was really high because of the medicine that was helping my heart recover.  It was difficult to catch my breath. I didn't like that medicine.  It was the reason why I was still in ICU.  I couldn't be transferred because I was on it. 
    At this point nurses started to stop by to say they were so glad I was improving and that I was alive. They would start by saying, " you probably don't remember me". Many of them would cry at my bedside.  I would cry too.  One night, a nurse with different color scrubs came in.  I didn't recognize her.  She told me her name but I don't remember it.  I still remember her face. She took my hand and began to get emotional.  She told me she was the nurse who gave me chest compressions over at IU west.  She said she called out to God that he would spare my life.  We both confirmed we believed He saved me.  I told her thank you.  I will never see her again.
    Lee came visit me every day.  On the second day (I think) of being awake, Lee brought a bag of goodies and a large envelope filled with letters from friends.  Lee would read a letter and I would guess who it was from and most of the time I guessed right.  We both cried and cried and cried some more.  We felt so blessed to be surround by so many amazing people.  One of the letters had pictures of me in it.  I could barely look at the person who was me. I looked happy and healthy.  I knew I had a long way to go but I knew I would eventually be that same person again.
    Bishop came with Lee to say hello the next day.  In fact, it was the day I thought I lost my phone.  My nurse was Sarah and she  searched and searched the bed for my phone, but couldn't find it.  Lee and Bishop walked in and Lee found my phone right away.  I felt stupid because the nurse made me fill out a report even when I insisted I didn't need to.  The security guard had already come to get my statement by the time Lee and Bishop arrived. 
    The doctors would round in the morning.  The kidney doctor wasn't very positive.  He would tell me my numbers and say I might to be on dialysis if my kidneys didn't start improving.  The lung doctors were my favorite.  Dr. Roe and his fellow Anthony Cucci were very hopeful and personable. I could tell they cared about me. One morning they brought an ultrasound machine to look at my lungs.  My lungs were mostly clear but I still had a small spot on the left.  They weren't too worried about it.  The Cardiologists were my least favorite.  They would come in and do their doctor talk. Most of the time I had no idea what they were saying.  The heart is so complicated and hard to understand.  Luckily Lee was there to explain things and talk to me like a regular person.
     I never slept while I was in the ICU.  I wasn't able calm down enough to fall asleep.  My heart rate was still high.  It was like I was working out while just sitting there. The sounds of ICU was the worst part, especially at night.  Alarms would go off, there was beeping and gurgling sounds and talking, lots of talking, mostly by the nurses.
      By the seventh day (?), I had enough of ICU.  Cardiology hadn't come yet to let my know the plan they had for me.  My nurse paged them but no response.  Alllll day I waited.  In the mean time Lee went home and I was faced with yet another night in ICU, until 7 p.m. rolled around.  The charge nurse came in and told me, "there's a train wreck coming honey".  I asked her if she meant literally or figuratively.  She said figuratively and that someone else was in need of ECMO and needed my room.  I was thinking, great/awesome until she said there were moving me to the CAVE.  I politely asked what was the CAVE and she said a corner in ICU.  Awesome!  The nurses felt bad for me and kept going back and forth as to what to do with me.  Everyone wanted to know where Cardiology was!  (Like I said before, most people aren't awake in ICU and they get moved pretty quickly)  As good as a patient as I was, ICU needed me to be transferred.  Finally, a little after about 7p.m., Cardio showed up!  I admit I was a  little perturbed.  My OB resident, Kate showed up at the exact right time to help me calm down.  Dr. Hadi had just asked me if I need some "calm down" medicine, Xanax. And the other Cardiologist asked if I had "any previous medical background" because I kept telling them that I felt better. Kate took one look at me and knew I wasn't happy, so she said "don't get pissy".  She always came at the right time.  Cardio said they were getting a room ready for me on the Cardiac floor. So, things settled down.  The "train wreck" was no longer an issue. I thought it wouldn't be too long of a wait.  Wrong!  Nine o'clock rolls around and my new nurse was still "waiting" for the call from the Cardiac floor.  She helped me out of bed and into the wheelchair and even gave me a bag a skittles.  Other nurses had even given me the thumbs up saying that things were all set.  This is when I learned of the hierarchy of nurses.  My nurse couldn't over step her bounds and take me to the new room.  She had to wait for the CALL.  I am not kidding when I say I sat in that hard wheelchair for two hours!  I was dang determined not to get back into that uncomfortable ICU bed.  Finally at 11 pm I was in my new room.

Cardiac Floor:
        When I arrived on the Cardiac floor I was feeling sleep deprived and a little on edge, frankly I was stressed out.  I was ready to have a good night's sleep and by this time I knew I was going to be in the hospital for a while.  Kate was there to put in an order for Tylenol and Benaldryl.  I really tried to sleep.  It wasn't easy.  I had to go to the restroom almost every hour which caused my heart rate to go up and I had to have the nurse help me.  By the time I settled in, I either had to have my vitals checked, or my alarm was going off because a lead on my chest wasn't on all the way.  I do need to mention the bed feels like you're on a boat.  It puffs up and then deflates and moves all over the place.  I had so many tubes attached to me which made moving difficult and plus if I did get out of bed, I had to take my medication pole with me.
         I think it was the next day when Lee came and washed my hair.  It was no easy task and probably took an hour.  My hair was a matted mess with blood and other crusty stuff in it.  Lee had to go to the gift shop and buy travel sized shampoo and conditioner that were $3 EACH.  Luckily he has had some practice in the hair washing department.  I however didn't scream and cry when I got water in my face (guess which kids have done that).  I had to sit in a chair and lean my head back into the sink.  It actually was relaxing and Lee kept saying "welcome to Lee's Salon" which made me laugh.
         I had a  nice room.  There was a sitting area and a window.  I began to feel really sad I hadn't seen the kids in more than a week.  I would talk to them on the phone and knew Grandma and Grandpa were taking good care of them but I missed them terribly.  The hospital room was quiet, too quiet!  I wanted to hear them laughing and fighting and dumping out toys.  I am not sure what day it was but I did finally get to see Kassie and Tommy.  Lee prepped them about what  the room looked like.  He told them that I had a big bandage on my neck and explained that I was ok but my heart was still recovering.  When they walked in, they weren't sure what to do.  This made me sad.  I had to reassure them that it was ok to come close and to hug me.  Tommy was first and then Kassie. By then I couldn't hold back my tears.  I started to cry and so did Kassie while I wrapped my arms around her.  I was so happy to see them.   I missed them so much.  Tommy immediately started to ask questions about all the buttons and wires and tubes.  He tried to be funny as asked what would happen if I accidentally got some of the wires wet.  He concluded that they would probably start to spark.  Kassie was a bit more shy and quiet.  She sat on Lee's lap.  They talked about school and didn't stay long. 
          Samantha came the next day.  She was definitely not liking the whole hospital thing.  When she walked in, she refused to come give me a hug.  She wanted daddy and nothing to do with me.  I knew that might happen, so I tried not to take it too personal.  Sam eventually got down and explored the room.  I let her play with a few things by my bedside and she quickly warmed up.  I wanted to hug and kiss her.  She looked like she grew two inches.  I missed her so much.
           Lee did bring JD a few times too.  It was so wonderful to hold him and cuddle with him.  I never worried about not having a bond with him.  I knew it would come later and I needed to focus on getting better.  JD had an opportunity to bond with his Grandma and that was special.  I found out later, two of my friends went to IU West and rocked and held JD right after he was born.  It meant a lot to me to think of my little newborn baby being loved and taken care of when Lee and I couldn't be there.
          My night nurses were important.  Trisha was my favorite.  She was so calm and sweet and young.  Night nurses have to be calm or else you're in trouble, I learned that on my own one night.  As soon as my new night nurse came in, I knew it was going to be a long night.  She was not calm but she was nice.  In fact she just moved to Indy from Az so we had a lot to talk about.  She gave me my nightly medicines which included a sleeping pill and left the room.  I didn't know she left my door wide open until I was awakened by loud talking and phones ringing.  From then, it was down hill.  I was on a fluid restriction so my mouth was dry.  I think the sleeping pill made my mouth dry too, which made it hard to talk and communicate.  At some point during the night, my nurse thought my lungs weren't sounding good.  She had another nurse come to check and they both concluded there was a very small amount of fluid but I was fine.  Next thing I know, the xray team is in my room.  I was mad!  I sat up and said I didn't need an xray!  Then they said they needed to stick my arm for blood.  Oh no!  No more pokes!  The xray lady said she couldn't take my blood anyway now because of my elevated temper. (Now don't think I was one of "those" patients!  I was sleep deprived ok!)  My nurse then called the on-call nurse (each room has a video camera that allows them to monitor the rooms and can help give advice in a pinch) They said I was fine and I was finally able to go to "sleep" or what I call "left alone". 
           The next day my parents came with JD.  I was grumpy.  The Cardio team said my heart still wasn't recovering like they wanted and discussed trying a new medication called Bromocriptine which is a hormone that blocks your pitutiary glad from secreting hormones.  There is a small study in rats that shows it helps for cardiomyopathy of pregnancy.
           I decided to give taking a sleeping pill one more try.  They gave me a different kind and luckily Trisha was my night nurse.  I didn't have any interruptions by the xray team but it did make me twitch all over and I remember waking up and I was chewing on ice.  (weird, I know)  No more sleeping pills for me!  Ever!  I only had one other nurse incident.  For some reason, this one particular nurse did not like me.  She wouldn't let me have ice chips or water by my bedside.  She would talk down to me which was rude.  Each day I had two Heparin shots in belly, one in the morning and one at night.  It hurt every time, STUNG like crazy!  So anyway, this nurse who already didn't like me, pinched my belly so hard to give me my Heprim shot that I said "Ouch! that hurt!" She was not nice! Luckily I had a friend there for moral support.
           I did have a few of my friends visit.  It wasn't easy.  Anna came first.  I made sure I sat in my chair.  I didn't want to seem weak or not ok.  She brought chapstick, which I totally needed and a small plant.  We had an ugly cry fest.  One that won't be forgotten.  It was hard to talk because I would get out of breathe easily and crying made it worse.  I am really glad she came.  Erika and Lindsay D came that day too.  They brought a pretty white and red flower arrangement.  They made me laugh and they were so concerned for me.  I assured them that I was going to get better.  I do remember them looking super cute with their hair and makeup done and I wished I could take a shower and get out of my nasty hospital gown and look cute too.  They held my hand and comforted me.  Becky came late one night.  She brought a fruit basket from Harry and David that one of my mom's friends sent.  Becky and I sat and talked and ate delicious juicy oranges and other fruit.  It tasted so good.  Becky also helped me get ready for bed.  She put hot wash clothes on my shoulders to help me relax.  Right then was a learning moment for me.  I learned it was ok to accept help and service from others.  Lindsay A came and washed and dried my hair.  She massaged my feet and help me relax before bed.  I was kind of wigging out over bedtime every night.  The Baileys and the Andersons stopped by for a few minutes too. I asked Jacqueline to bring me a Dr. Pepper and sugar free candies.  I ended up only drinking a small amount of the Dr. Pepper.  I felt guilty because caffeine is bad for your heart and it had a lot of sodium.
           The days were easy.  Lee would come.  The doctors would come.  My PT nurse Becky would come and take me for a walk.  The nights were hard.  It was lonely.  Sleeping was a big issue for me.  For some reason when I closed my eyes I felt like I was going to fall into an abyss or not wake up.  I was scared but as the days went on I was able to sleep a little.  I had a lot of time to think.  I didn't read any books or watch TV or listen to music.  I thought about my experience and how good it was to be alive.  I never was mad or angry that it happened to me and my family.  I never questioned why either.  I did have moments of feeling impatient and frustrated that I couldn't go home.  I felt strong inside and determined to get better.  I had faith and remembered what was said in my blessing, " I would make a full recovery".  I always felt calm and not worried.  I knew I was a strong a determined person.  I didn't want to give up, I wanted to fight to get better.
            On December 19th I was able to go home.  I was so excited when Dr. Hadi my cardiologist came in and asked if I wanted to go home.  In fact, I gave him a hug.  My heart was still only pumping out at 30% when it should be about 60% but that is why they kept me on medication.  I was able to say thank you to Dr. Row.  He surprised me when he said, "the Lord was with me that night".  I said thank you to Dr. Cucci too and he said, "no, thank you for taking care of your self and being healthy."  My friend Sarah was there too.  She helped me with my hair and took a picture of me.
              Lee came to get me.  It was cold and overcast but the fresh air felt so good.  Inside, I felt so much joy to be going home!  I had to walk a lot.  It wasn't easy and I struggled a bit.  Lee kept forgetting that I couldn't walk like a speed demon.  I had to wait for Lee an a bench while he went to get my medicine.  It took FOREVER! 

Coming Home & Recovery:
              When we reached our street, I could see a big blue sign on the garage.  It said "Welcome Home Mom."  I loved seeing it.  My parents came out to see me and when I got in the house Samantha gave me a big hug.  She almost knocked me over. Jacqueline was there for a few minutes to say hello too.  Kassie and Tommy had no idea that I was coming home.  I was able to surprise them.  My dad made me a special dinner that night and brought it upstairs to me on a tray.  My parents took such good care of me when I got home!  They were a team and worked together to get things done.  I know it was hard for them to deal with everything and stay for so long.  They were here for a month.  I am incredibly grateful for them. 
              I had a "few" restrictions and medications when I got home.
Bromocriptine
Lisinapril
Coreg
Potassium (for a week)
Only go up and down the stairs once ( for a week )
Take my blood pressure daily
Don't get my heart rate up
Low sodium diet
Fluid Restriction =only 2 liters of fluids a day(for a month)
Take it easy!!!!
             I knew that I was physically weak but it wasn't until I got home that it really hit me.  I wanted to sleep a lot and would get tired quickly.  When I looked in the mirror, I could tell I looked sick.  My color was a little yellow and I felt hunched over.  I could also see my scars, the one on my neck from ECMO, the one on my chest from my central line and one on my inner thigh from another central line that Lee said was like a harpoon.  They were a reminder of my experience.  Emotionally I did ok.  I cried a couple times a day for about a month but not too much.  Usually it was in the shower or when I was getting ready for the day.  Different thoughts  would come into my mind and I would feel overwhelmed with gratitude.  I would think about the nice things people did for my family.  The thought " what if I didn't make it" crossed my mind too.  Thinking about not seeing my kids grow up......that was incredibly hard, wow!  The whole experience and the what if's were a lot to handle. 
             Four days after coming home from the hospital, we all went to church, my parents too.  It was the Christmas program and the Kass and Tom were singing with the primary.  I received lots of hugs from everyone.  It was really hard not to cry.  I kept my composure until the primary kids sang Silent Night.  I had the thought, "I could have missed this and I'm so glad I made it"!
             Lee's parents also came at the beginning of January and helped.  They were wonderful too.  They cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, did the laundry and helped where there could.  Brenda made Samantha blue play-duh which was a big hit and Ed was really good with JD.  I was able to take JD to his one month because Brenda watched Samantha.  I also had OB appointments that I was able to go to with out kids.  Lee and I even went to see a movie together while Brenda and Ed watched the kids.
             At my OB appointment the staff was wonderful.  Dr. Richardson, Dr. Grondahl and Dr. Krober all wanted to see me.  Everyone gave me hugs.  Shannon my nurse sat and talked to me about what happened.  She said the staff got together in one of the back rooms and said a group prayer for me the next day.   Dr. Grondahl explained to me, when bad things happen in medicine, often times doctors want to fix things right away and start cutting even if it's not the best solution.  He said, Dr. Richardson did the opposite and made the first good decision that saved my life by not giving me a hysterectomy. (I wouldn't have survived the surgery because my blood wasn't clotting and IUWest was already running out of my type of blood.)  He also told me what he thought caused all my problems, an Amniotic Fluid Embolism.  When I got home from the appointment, I was pretty emotional.  It was hard to take it all in.
             There were two more encounters with people that I want to make sure and record.  The first one was at Kassie's friend's birthday party.  I went to go pick her up and I said hello to my friend Andrea and thanked her for inviting Kassie.  Andrea introduced me to her parents and told them that I was one who just had a baby.  Her dad said they were praying for me and had a strong calm feeling that I would be ok.  I almost burst into tears.  It was difficult to hold my emotions in.  I felt so grateful for their prayers.  I said many thank yous and quickly headed to the car.  I didn't want to have a meltdown at Jump-n-play.
              The last one was at Stake Conference (when all the wards in the area meet together) which was at the beginning of January.  I noticed a women with brown hair staring at me.  I didn't recognize her but after the meeting was over, she came up to me. I wish I could remember what she told me her name was.  She said she recognized Lee.  She was one of the xray technicians who was there when I first arrived at Methodist in the ICU.  She explained that when she saw Lee that night, she was very impressed how calm he looked and she wondering if we were LDS.  When she left my room she said she had an overwhelming feeling that she needed to go somewhere and say a prayer for me.  She went downstairs found a bathroom and knelt down and prayed for me.  The next morning she got a call from her very good friend who just so happened to be Anna Dobson.  Anna had called to tell her what a horrible night she had with a delivery.  She told Anna what happened with Lee and how she felt prompted to pray.
After thoughts and Update:
              On March 22nd I had another ECHO and a check up with my Cardiologist.  My heart was at 51% and normal is between 50%-60%.   Dr. Hadi was pleased with my progress but felt I should remain on my current medications and up my blood pressure medication.  He said I also need to keep my heart rate below 100.   I was a little disappointed.  I think I was expecting for him to start tapering me off the medicines and I would be able to exercise.  There aren't very many studies to help the doctors understand what happened and how to help my recovery.  Dr. Hadi was being cautious.  I will have to find a new Cardiologist in Rochester.  I really hope by the time we move to NY my heart will be well enough to start getting off the medicines.  They make me tired and make my blood pressure low.  I get out of breath pretty quick too and keeping my heart rate under 100 is hard to do. 
            There isn't a day that goes by I don't thank the Lord I am alive!  I am thankful for each day!  I just heard a story about a mom of six who died in childbirth and sometimes I wonder why I made it and not her and many others.  This experience has made me want to try harder to be all that I can be as a wife, mother, family member and so on.  I don't want to have any regrets in my life.  Which reminds me of a talk a gave in church a few months after I returned home from the hospital.  The topic was "Regrets and Resolutions".  Here's a quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf who is from our church, "When we are young, it seems that we will live forever. We think there is a limitless supply of sunrises waiting just beyond the horizon, and the future looks to us like an unbroken road stretching endlessly before us.  However, the older we get, the more we tend to look back and marvel at how short that road really is. We wonder how the years could have passed so quickly. And we begin to think about the choices we made and the things we have done. In the process, we remember many sweet moments that give warmth to our souls and joy to our hearts. But we also remember the regrets—the things we wish we could go back and change."  I want to live and have no regrets and follow Christ.
             I do know why I survived.  Heavenly Father heard and answered the prayers of all the individuals who prayed and fasted for me.  My experience was definitely a miracle.  I did believe in God and His son Jesus Christ before, but my own testimony of Christ has grown tremendously from this experience.  I am overwhelmed by all of the love and support my family received.  Thank you.
             

photo by Sarah M